Family Guy Spec Script - Family Friendly Guy

Just as a quick note… I wrote this in January, the year before Deadpool 2 came out and before Family Guy actually did one of these jokes you’ll read here. With that said, please enjoy.

Fade in

INT Griffin living room

The family sits around the sofa. Stewie left on the floor next to Brian, and on the couch left to right is Chris, Meg and Peter. From the left enters Lois.

STEWIE

I'm curious what adventure we'll be going today.

BRIAN

Why are you talking like that?

STEWIE

Like hwat?

BRIAN

Like that.

STEWIE

I'm just my usual self. And I can't wait for you to finish your book, so that I can finally read it.

BRIAN

Fuck off.

Lois

Brian! You can't talk like that anymore.

BRIAN

What? Why?

LOIS

You know why...

Peter

Leave him be, Lois.

LOIS

We can't, Peter.

Chris

Are mommy and daddy gonna fight?

LOIS

No, Chris, we are not.

PETER

Why not? Nothing changed...

LOIS

(whispering)

Something did change...

The Imperial March starts playing faintly in the background. Chris excited jumps up and exclaims

CHRIS

Oh boy! Can we do Star Wars again?

MEG

I don't want to do Star Wars again, I'm always killed off... Or a monster.

PETER

So what? This means nothing... Just look at my buddy Deadpool over here… coming to a cinema near you on May 16...

Deadpool

Hello guys, finally paying off your dues? Since I mentioned you in the first movie?

LOIS

Fine, I get it. But you shouldn't do anything stupid anymore.

MEG

Oh my god, Ryan Reynolds...

CHRIS

It's Deadpool!!!

DEADPOOL

Kids, if you're nice, this year you get something special for Easter.

PETER

Get out! Your bit is done...

DEADPOOL

Fine, not like I need this... Fu...

Suddenly a portal opens, a metal arm reaches out and pulls him in.

PETER

This is just like that last time, when that time it was that other time, with that other dude from last time that was that time when we did that thing that one time, than that other time...

CUT TO:

Close up of Stewie

STEWIE

Let's check to see what Brian does, until the fat ass ends his pathetic joke and we get to that flashback...

CUT TO:

INT. Bathroom

Brian proceeds to drink water out of the toilet bowl, then starts licking his testicles. Suddenly we hear small footsteps approaching the bathroom, the door opens. We see a hand with a newspaper in it. Suddenly Stewie starts hitting Brian over the nose with the newspaper.

STEWIE

You. Can't. Do. That. Anymore. You filthy animal.

Brian shaken up about all this, looks at Stewie in a stupor and asks.

BRIAN

What has gotten into you?

STEWIE

You know what you did! You can't do that anymore.

Stewie looks into the camera and says.

STEWIE (CONT'D)

Now let's go back to the fat ass and see if he is done.

CUT TO:

INT. Living Room

PETER

(Continues)

Just like that last time we tried braking the forth wall in a smart way.

LOIS

Are you done?

PETER

Yes.

Cut to:

Int. Same living room

The family sits, some on the floor, some on the sofa, watching TV. Ryan Reynolds enters the house.

PETER

Remember when we tried to break the forth wall?

Ryan REYNOLDS

No, I don't.

PETER

You will.

CUT TO:

INT. Living room

LOIS

What was that?

PETER

A joke, written by whoever is writing this episode. It was a meta joke, get it? So much meta, is this what you want?

Peter in a fit of rage jumps towards the camera grabbing it.

PETER (CONT'D)

Ha, ha, ha, written by Raul, fuck off. Very funny...

LOIS

Peter! Stop swearing. We have to change our ways.

PETER

But you saw what just happened... That's not funny...

Peter still angry, rolls up his sleeves and says.

PETER (CONT'D)

That settles it. I'm gonna make Family Guy funny again.

LOIS

Peter, no…

CUT TO:

INT. Stewie's room

Brian enters, Stewie sees him and says.

STEWIE

Let's go on an adventure, just you, me and Rupert.

Brian sighs.

BRIAN

Go on an adventure? Really? I don't want to.

Stewie gets up.

STEWIE

Come on, it will be magical, beautiful and maybe even life changing.

BRIAN

I don't want to.

STEWIE

Don't make me force you... You owe me, so we're going on a diddly adventure and that's the end of that.

BRIAN

Fine.

STEWIE

We should do something for someone else today...

BRIAN

Like?

STEWIE

Like seeing what your son is doing, help him if he needs it. See you two get back together, father and son. Remember your son?

BRIAN

What?

A thought bubble appears, expanding into a flash back.

BRIAN (CONT'D)

Wait, no... I don't want to remember that.

Brian starts jumping trying to catch the flashback. He fails. Suddenly sad music starts playing as the life of Brian's son is flashing. As he grows up without Brian, he goes to prom, graduates college, gets married, gets a raise, a perfect little house, has children. Finally his son gets old and dies of old age.

BRIAN (CONT'D)

God damn it. Stewie...

STEWIE

What? Don't you want to be a better person? So why not start with that? You already failed twice, so maybe third time's the charm, right?

BRIAN

Fine...

CUT TO:

Int. The drunken clam

PETER

Guys, guys... Tell me a joke...

QUAGMIRE

What? Why? What's this about?

PETER

I want to check on something...

Joe

So there was this...

PETER

Not you, Joe.

Joe

Fine...

Cleveland

Calm down, Peter.

PETER

I can't. I have to make Family Guy funny again.

QUAGMIRE

Took us long enough...

PETER

We have to create the best joke on television.

JOE

Didn't Monty Python do that already?

PETER

No one remembers or even knows what that is.

Joe

But isn't this show's longevity the best joke on television? Hah!

PETER

That's why no one likes you, Joe.

QUAGMIRE

How do you want to do this?

PETER

It has to be something timeless, something that will be told for generations.

QUAGMIRE

Can't we do something the young people do and call it quits?

CLEVELAND

That's just lazy, even for me.

JOE

That's something I should have said. Get it? Hah, I'm on fire. Booya for me.

PETER

I want to kill him, can I kill him?

QUAGMIRE

No violence.

PETER

Ah! You too?

Suddenly in the down left corner the beginning of a blue line appears. Peter jumps up and screams.

PETER (CONT'D)

This is what I was talking about?

QUAGMIRE

What are you talking about?

PETER

This... This right here.

As he points towards the line forming the Disney logo slowly. Peter takes Joe's pistol and starts shooting at the line that's forming the logo. After he kills it, he sighs and gives the gun back to Joe.

PETER (CONT'D)

Thanks, Joe.

JOE

You know, I should arrest you for doing that, right now.

PETER

Oh, come on! Don't be like that.

JOE

I'm sorry, Peter... But you know the rules.

PETER

Quagmire? Cleveland?

As Joe handcuffs Peter, Quagmire and Cleveland look down.

PETER (CONT'D)

This is worse than the time Jesus caught the apostles having the last brunch without him.

Cut TO:

Int. OLD timy restaurant

The apostles were having fun, laughing. Jesus enters, sees the table full of dishes with scraps on them and glasses half-filled with chardonnay.

Jesus

You guys! I thought we were having brunch together. You are mean.

Jesus runs hysterically out the door.

JUDAS

What a pussy...

The apostles laugh.

CUT TO:

ExT. somewhere in Quahog

BRIAN

So where are we going exactly?

STEWIE

Well, last time we saw your son, he was prospering. So, let's see what he is doing now...

Stewie checks his phone, then turns to Brian and says:

STEWIE (CONT'D)

Oh, look... He's a wealthy producer now. Let's see how you can ruin this.

BRIAN

Screw you, I don't need this.

STEWIE

Yes, you do. And don't talk like that anymore. If you don't want to die again.

BRIAN

Fine, fine... Alright. I just don't see what the big deal is.

STEWIE

You'll understand soon enough.

BRIAN

Another road trip?

STEWIE 

No, I emailed him. Told him that I have a monster pitch that will earn him millions.

BRIAN

And that worked?

STEWIE

I also told him Tom Cruise is in.

BRIAN

Didn't he try to kill you?

STEWIE

It'll be fine, don't worry.

BRIAN

But won't he recognize us?

STEWIE

Who cares? We got him here, you have another chance to do the right thing and that's all that matters. So let's get moving.

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE STATION JAIL CELL 

Peter is snapping his fingers, the other inmates follow. They corner Peter and break his fingers. Peter falls down on the floor, all the inmates go back to their places and sit down.

PETER 

I thought we were gonna do a 50's musical thing. Damn it.

Joe comes to the cell, accompanied by someone.

JOE

Come on, Peter. You're free, this gentleman offered to pay your bail.

Peter gets up and gets out of the cell. From the shadows, Jim Parsons steps out.

PETER

Jim Parsons? What are you doing here?

Why?

JIM PARSONS

Peter, we need to talk.

PETER

What? Why?

JIM PARSONS

Just trust me... Come, now.

JOE

Take care, guys. Peter, never do that again, understood?

Jim and Peter leave without saying a word.

JOE (CONT'D)

Aww, these guys. Always with their hijinks. It's like that time I went to the most magical place on earth and took my shirt off on the roller coaster.

The camera shakes from right to left a couple of times, signaling

Joe that there won't be a cutaway. Joe disgruntled says:

JOE (CONT'D)

What do you mean, no? So the guys can do that? And you don't want to do it for me?

The camera shakes again to signal a no.

JOE (CONT'D)

That's it! I'm going to teach you some respect.

The camera shakes as it's startled and as Joe is approaching it with a baton in his hand.

CUT TO: 

EXT. OF A RESTAURANT 

STEWIE

Good, he's here... Let's go meet him.

And don't do anything dumb, okay?

BRIAN 

Fine. I just don't see the point of this.

STEWIE

The point is for me to help you do something good. Family, yay! Friends...

BRIAN

Fine.

The two enter the restaurant.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT 

Stewie and Brian get next to his table.

STEWIE 

Hey. Dylan? Eyy... I'm Stewie, nice to meet you.

DYLAN

Hey, Stewie... Brian? What are you doing here?

BRIAN

Look, I'm sorry, this wasn't my idea, it was his.

DYLAN

This wasn't a business brunch, was it?

STEWIE

Oh, no. We're still having brunch. But it's a family thing now. Now let's talk.

Brian and Stewie take a sit at the table.

DYLAN

I thought you had enough, after last time.

BRIAN

I did. Believe me, but Stewie here thinks that third time's a charm.

STEWIE

I believe in doing something good. And I think, you two should at least be friends, if you can't call him dad. Which, you never will probably. And I don't blame you. What a loser. Right?

BRIAN

Stop it! We get it...

STEWIE

Sorry... Sorry...

DYLAN

Well, if we're here, we might just have brunch together and see where this goes.

STEWIE

That's the spirit. I knew you were the better man. Isn't this nice, Brian? He's like a kinder, not rapey, power hungry producer.

Stewie turns to the camera and says:

STEWIE (CONT'D)

You expected that I would make some joke that would go to a cutaway? Nope.

CHUCK TESTA

It's just Chuck Testa.

CUT TO:

INT. SOME DARKLY LIT ROOM 

Jim Parsons takes the bag off of Peter's head. Peter disturbed looks around.

JIM PARSONS 

Peter, we heard about what you did... And we're here to help you in your quest.

PETER

We?

Three figuresi step out of the shadow, take their robes off... Peter amazed says:

PETER (CONT'D)

Charlie Sheen? Ray Romano? And Jim

Belushi? What are you guys doing here?

JIM BELUSHI

We're here to help you.

PETER

But why?

RAY ROMANO

We're thinking that maybe, if you can really find that one joke... The best joke in history...

CHARLIE SHEEN

We can move on.

PETER

Move on?

JIM PARSONS

We're tired, Peter. We've been on TV saying the same stupid jokes for forever.

RAY ROMANO

I was in an amazing movie last year, and the academy didn't even think to give a damn or nominate me.

PETER

And you?

CHARLIE SHEEN

My life has been just a big joke these past years. So if you find this joke, I might get forgotten and I can do stuff again.

PETER

Great! Let's do this.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT 

Everyone at the table seems to have a great time. Brian is wagging his tail.

STEWIE

See, this wasn't such a bad idea.

DYLAN

You're right, Stewie. Thank you.

BRIAN

Yeah, thanks, Stewie.

DYLAN

I think it's time for me to leave.

BRIAN

Already?

DYLAN 

Yeah, I have some movie deals, you know how it is. Never stop grinding. But hey, if you want, I could give you a call sometimes. We can hang out from time to time. You could come and meet my wife.

STEWIE

Oh, you have a wife...

BRIAN

Yeah, yes... Sure...

DYLAN

Look, if you really want. Come by my house tonight. Let's have dinner.

BRIAN

Yes. Thank you.

Dylan leaves.

STEWIE

See, sometimes when you don't act like a total prick or when you don't use people. Good things can happen to you too.

BRIAN 

You know what? You're right. Thank you.

CUT TO:

INT. SOME STUDIO SET 

Jim Parsons, Jim Belushi, Ray Romano, Peter and Charlie Sheen are walking on the set.

JIM PARSONS 

So, Peter. We have here a studio audience. This is where you're gonna test your jokes.

PETER

Okay, I know how this goes.

JIM BELUSHI

What's your first joke?

PETER

A knock, knock joke?

RAY ROMANO

Really?

CHARLIE SHEEN

For Pete's sake...

JIM PARSONS

It's happening, we have to hurry this up.

CHARLIE SHEEN

PETE! PETE! PETE! PETE! PETE!

Charlie Sheen desperately tries to swear, but he fails every time.

CHARLIE SHEEN (CONT'D)

I can't... I just can't say the F-word. Peter, please help...

RAY ROMANO 

Calm down, Charlie. You know you can't for comedy...

CHARLIE SHEEN

How do you think I kept Two and a Half man on TV for so many years?

JIM BELUSHI

Oh no...

CHARLIE SHEEN

That wasn't a joke. Why would I make such a joke?

PETER

Okay, okay... Just give me a change to try something. I need a montage.

Peter turns towards the camera. The camera shakes signaling no.

PETER (CONT'D)

What do you mean no? How do you want me to do this then?

On the screen the words "You should have thought about this earlier."

PETER (CONT'D)

Was that a joke?

On the screen again: "It's better than anything you did this episode."

CUT TO:

EXT. DYLAN'S HOUSE

Brian and Stewie are in front of the house.

BRIAN

I'm so anxious...

STEWIE 

Don't worry, bud. Just don't be yourself too much. And no drinking.

BRIAN

Yes, I know... I know.

Brian rings the doorbell. A beautiful woman opens the door.

EMILY

Hello, boys.

Brian starts wagging his tail.

BRIAN

Yea, hey... Hello. I'm Brian. This is Stewie. We're here for Dylan.

STEWIE

Hey.

EMILY

I'm Dylan's wife, Emily. Please, do come in. He told us about you guys.

The two go in, Emily closes the door.

CUT TO:

INT. DYLAN'S HOUSE 

The three are walking in a gorgeous house.

BRIAN

Quite the house you have here.

STEWIE

Nice.

EMILY 

Dylan will join us a bit later. Until then I can entertain you.

The three enter a room, take seat at the table that's nicely set.

EMILY (CONT'D)

So, Brian. What do you do for a living?

BRIAN

I'm an author and screenwriter.

STEWIE

No, he is not. Brian... What did we talk about?

BRIAN

Fine... I'm a struggling author, I didn't write anything in years.

STEWIE

That's better.

EMILY

Well, at least you started something. Not like others that don't take that step all their lives. I, for example, finally took that step after dating some asshole that took advantage of me when I was blind. I even changed my name. Luckily Dylan was kind enough to be everything I ever dreamed of.

BRIAN

Ha, ha, ha... That sucks, sorry to hear that.

Stewie whispers to Brian.

STEWIE

Does this ring any bells?

BRIAN

Yes, we have to get out of here?

STEWIE

What? Why? It's just getting interesting.

BRIAN

Stewie, no. We have to leave, now.

STEWIE

Fine.

BRIAN

So... Emily, we sadly have to leave...

EMILY

Why?

BRIAN

It's just that, we have this thing, we have to do. And you know.

Dylan enters the room with some mouse ears on his head and a bat in the right hand.

DYLAN

Hey Brian, why so quick to leave?

CUT TO:

INT. SOME STUDIO SET

The guys are desperate, the virus is spreading.

PETER 

I have an idea. Ray, do you know the word?

Ray Romano slaps Peter.

RAY ROMANO

It's not the time for that, it wasn't funny then, it isn't now.

PETER

Ouch. Fine, I'll try something else...

CHARLIE SHEEN

Please!

PETER

Fine, fine... I got it!

Peter tries to pick something up from the floor and farts. The fart spreads through Quahog. The audience starts laughing hysterically.

JIM PARSONS

Was that it?

PETER

No, that's not what I wanted to do.

JIM BELUSHI

But maybe that's it! Farts are the jokes that will never die! There will always be something in us to laugh at a fart gag or joke.

RAY ROMANO

Peter, you genius!

CHARLIE SHEEN

Fuck me! Yes! I can say fuck again.

PETER

Huh... I feel slightly disappointed, like that one time... You know what, no...

Peter just leaves.

CUT TO:

INT. DYLAN'S HOUSE 

DYLAN

You're gonna pay for all the years of torment you brought on me, on her. On everyone around you. We can't tolerate you, not in this new age.

BRIAN

What? What did I do now?

STEWIE

You know what you did. I told you something changed.

EMILY

It's time.

The three corner Brian. The fart hits the three. Suddenly they snap out of it. The ears Dylan was wearing turned to dust. Everyone is very confused... Jim Parsons bursts into the room.

JIM PARSONS

Bazinga!

Peter enters the room, takes Dylan's baseball bat. Hits Jim over the head with it. Out of breath he says:

PETER

You wanted an end? Here's your end. We weren’t going to end on this, but hey… At least it wasn’t on a fart joke. Goodnight!

Fade out.

Consider donating: https://www.paypal.me/RaulFO

2019 In Review. (A short story of the 2010s)

Well, we are at the end of the 2010s. And this feels right, somehow. It’s been a wild decade. I started this decade as an absolute naive dumbass, that was making mistake after mistake after mistake. But it was the year I started writing on this blog. And just like any writer or artist, boy, t’was cringe. But, I started this decade in love, and I am ending it in love, which is sweet and gives it a mirroring effect. I also didn’t know what I wanted to do with myself, who I was or what I wanted. This then transitioned into the wildest years of my life, where I ran a coffee bar, together with a friend. Which, obviously failed, due to our lack of experience. Then the two years of pure depression and a sudden realization of what I wanted to do. Followed by determination, attending college, hype due to said college, disappointment, frustration, anger, and spite.

Which brings us all to 2016, when I publish my first book whilst in college. Trapped: Autumn, a bold first step into the publishing world. Six months later, I publish my second book. A sequel named Trapped: Spring. The two a few months later break the top 100. And seeing that being at a literally college, no one cared about someone that actually published books, I dropped out. In 2018, the two books sell copies every single month of the year. While writing Trapped: Summer, I develop panic attacks and a severe general anxiety disorder. I stop writing. After months of focusing on my mental health that year, I restart my passion, by launching my own website and re-writing some of my old content and slowly getting back into writing. After changing day jobs in October, I also manage to quit smoking after almost 10 years. Towards the latter half of the year, I start writing again, finishing with a few new short stories, and announcing the biggest project on this Blog, Attropolis.

But 2018 ends with an idea about the order of the last two books in the Trapped: Seasons series. Thus I start writing a new book, Trapped: Winter. So, 2019 starts with me publishing Trapped: Winter in January. A new fantastic chapter in the series. But due to burnout, panic attacks and anxiety, my efforts to market it or sell it are zero. The next few months, I re-write Trapped: Summer from zero and that first summer day I publish it. But again, due to severe stress, anxiety and burnout, my marketing and selling efforts are close to zero. Yet, I kept writing, as people were reading the blog. Whether they were keeping up with my first 52 week story on this blog, Attropolis. Or they were engaged into The Pilot Program and those short stories. With a few thousand people visiting the website this year. This October I also had the chance to write an interactive story for an app named Questo for my hometown. And seeing over 800 people gather at once place to play an interactive game in the real life, was simply awe inspiring and humbling. In 2019 I also managed to rectify some of my biggest regrets and mistakes that I had made at the beginning of this decade. I also started following my dream job as a full time job, as now I am writing full time and not sacrificing anything for it. Which is rather stressful. This year, I also started writing for the fifth book. With almost a hundred pages written and edited, together with the cover of it being almost done. Here are some impressive numbers:

Story of a Game in 2019: 1 (Questo App)

Books Published in 2019: 2 (Trapped: Winter, Trapped: Summer)

Short Stories Published in 2019: 62 - 52 (Attropolis) + 8 (The Pilot Program) + 2 (Rants) (That’s 1.19 short stories per week)

Total Pages Written in 2019: 815

Words Written in 2019: 275.000

Characters Written in 2019: 1.3 Million (It’s just weird to think about this one, that’s why I am including it)

What’s to come in 2020?

Well, another at least 2 books, another 52 weeks of short stories, another season of The Pilot Program. And much more. Believe me, I am just starting.

Consider donating: https://www.paypal.me/RaulFO

Pilot Program - Coma,

Time: 10:58:01

Man, I have this headache and my neck is so damn stiff. I don’t know why my body is shaking, maybe it’s the cold that comes with the May mornings. Oh, don’t worry about it, maybe you just slept in a weird position. It happens, you’ll get better once we start running. Let’s go. Ah, yeah, I think I zoned out and forgot why I’m even here. As I raise my head from the ground the shining light blinds me for a second, then the blue of the sky seemed to have opened up. A gust of wind hit us from behind as we started running, as we gained speed, as our hearts started pumping, and our bodies sweating, the wind changed direction, now hitting us with a nice cold breeze to cool us off as the sun was glistening on our skin.

Do you have any family? That’s weird. What do you mean? Why are you asking me this? Nevermind, maybe I misunderstood. What did you say? Ah, so I did misunderstand. Nothing, I just didn’t understand what you asked me. He is chuckling, weird. Do you have a girlfriend? Are my ears deceiving me? What did you just ask me? You know I do. He seems out of it. Sorry, I’m a mess. Oh, I was right. You okay? What happened? He looks perturbed by something. Yeah not really. I’m scared scared I’m losing you. What? Losing me? What are you talking about? He turned and smiled at me. You know… Life happens sometimes and you can’t control it and you just drift apart or life ends and you never get to… You know… What is he talking about? No, no I don’t know. You okay? He chuckles again. Heh, don’t worry about it, I’ll get better, some day. That’s just weird, coming from a guy like him.

Something is different. Man, I could run forever. He started laughing. No one is stopping you, you know? This is all you, man. Run as much as you want, this world belongs to you. Sweat is getting in my eyes, the wind stopped, the heat is suffocating a bit. What time is it? I can’t even read the time on my watch. It’s 10:58. Already? Good thing it’s the weekend. Let’s head back. He is smiling. Didn’t you just say you could run forever? I did, didn’t I? I know what I said, it’s just getting too hot and this heat makes me feel like I’m suffocating. He stops, turns around, puts a hand on my shoulder. Okay, fine. But let’s do this again, it’s one of the last fun things I’m doing lately, and I need it… I need you. Out of reflex I smiled. Sure, see you tomorrow then? His face seemed to have turned ashy. Yes. He ran. I stayed behind as he faded in the distance.

Time: 10:58:02

This is the sixth entry in the Pilot Program. So, remember, if you want to read more, if you want to read more, share it, like it, comment, re-read it and it might become the next 52 week story, the one for 2020.

Consider donating: https://www.paypal.me/RaulFO

Pilot Program - The Spiteful Playwright

“Stories, we all have them. As humans, we’re all social creatures, no matter how much we don’t like to admit it. That’s why we sometimes act out, that’s why being rejected hurts us and why being lonely is depressing and frustrating. And stories, are the one thing that we all like. We all tell each other stories, whether we think them, tell them or write them, we always tell stories. Big, small, happy, tragic, stories are what bind us, helps us understand each other.”

The phone rang, it was her again, I picked up more out of a sense of shame for denying them once too many times. Hello? She didn’t wait for me to finish the greeting as she went on her tirade. Hey, you finally picked up, look… Here’s the deal, I’m with a theater troupe at a coffee right now. I know one of the actresses here and the guy that runs this whole deal. So, as the conversation progressed, I asked them what they were performing and doing in town and stuff like that, right? Yeah, so listen here, they told me that they want to try something new, something different, right? So guess who I thought about? Yeah, Mr. Author, it’s you. I thought about you and your books. I remember that you once told me that you’d want your books turned into a theater piece and that you’d want it as an audio book but you’d need a theater group. So guess what? I told them about your books, what you’d like to do and what you’re about and how you approach things and what your outlook on the world is and they’d want to talk to you about it. What do you say? Isn’t that amazing? You’ll have to treat me to something, of course I’ll bring my mon cher with me and you, your girl. She sometimes talks like a Shinkansen and you feel like that train hit you and shattered your brains to pieces. This is the motherly awesome Kris, she awesome, but erratic. Anyway, here’s the guy I was telling you about that runs this whole troupe, his name is Andrew by the way. Here… Hey, guy. I’m Andrew, I heard a lot about you from Kris. So you wrote a book? Usually when people ask me that, they either want to clarify things or they’re curious how I’ll respond. Hey, nice to meet you, I wrote like four that are in that style and could be easily turned into plays. I am really curious what he has in mind. Look, we can’t pay you much, but if you want we can give you like a 10% if you’re interested, just so we get this out of the way. And you can even direct it yourself, if you feel like it. That was really odd. So, you don’t want to read them or anything like that? He started laughing. Kris here convinced me, so if you want, we can meet tomorrow if you’re free and discuss the details and what you’d like and what we can offer. Well, they can’t pay me, cause of course they can’t, no one really gives a shit about this, unless you’re a big shot. Fuck it, why not. Yeah, tomorrow sounds great. See you at the statue downtown, next to the bell then. He responded with a sure and that ended the phone call. Well, that’s not how I imagined this would go today. But I’m going to have some fun with this.

This is the fifth of the short stories for the Pilot Program. How does it work? You read the short stories within the pilot program, you re-read them, share them, like them, comment if you like them, force your friends to read them and then maybe this will become the short story series for 2020.

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Attropolis XVII

Hippos with a baffled look on his face, in the arms of this giant with blue eyes, he almost forgot about the death of his parents. She didn’t even think to try and stop him or hold onto him, for once she was scared. He look at Hippos and asked what the deal with him was, someone told him about what just happened and why he was here, to which he smiled, look at him and said that he’s going to take the boy with him. She started panicking, so she pulled on the giant. With a stern look he looked down upon her, the little girl kept gesturing at him and at herself, but wasn’t able to speak properly. He didn’t know how to respond, so he turned to leave, and so she started crying and relieving herself. Seeing that, Hippos pushed him and jumped down from his arms, running to her, holding her in his arms and whispering something to her. Her crying stopped, he turned around and went back to the giant. She waved at him, he waved back at her and went on different paths.

The soldiers confused asked him why he took the kids, he with a laugh answered that he simply recognized something in the boy’s eyes, something he hasn’t seen in years, maybe reminding him of a younger version of someone he once knew. Hippos was listening carefully to what the men were talking, trying to pick up on clues and gain any advantage, but with no luck, he was under the care of a giant that always smiled when looking at Hippos. This scared him, it was unsettling, seeing someone with such a scar on his face smiling towards a child like he was. Nothing about him seemed gentle, the hands of the giant had calluses, blisters on his feet, mud everywhere on him, a bloody sword and a deep voice that could shatter the earth and his ears.

They each went their way, Hippos was now on the way to his new home, it was quieter now that it was just the two of them. He still didn’t understand why this giant would care for him or take him, now having doubts about what was next for him and his future. Parent-less, lover-less on his way to the unknown with a someone that looked like he fell out of the side of a mountain. This was the first night Hippos spent awake, the adrenaline started to wear off, he was getting sleepy. The man took Hippos in his arms, as the sun was coloring the skies orange, yellow and all shades of blue and purple, they arrived at his house. A modest little house at the edge of the city, on a bit of a hill from which you could see the roof of every house in Creetus and at the end, the sea. What a long day comes to an end with both of them falling asleep the moment they enter the house and sit on the bed. All muddy, dirty and still wet from the thunderstorm…

And in Rome

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Attropolis XVI

CAUTION: ATTROPOLIS CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE, SEXUAL CONTENT, DISTURBING IMAGES AND IMMORAL GROTESQUE BEHAVIOR. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Man 3: The third man finally stood up on his one good foot… Teeth and gums rotten just like his other leg. He smelled like the intestines of a cow, he looked worse than a half eaten cat. Yet, he too, was soft spoken. A man of few words, Olanus was already tired of having to deal with these religious men, yet he was calm, the devotion he had for justice was almost incomparable in the empire. So, he continued interrogating the man. Barely moving his right eye, he looked at him and answered his questions as well as he could, being deaf in one ear at his age was impeding him.

The door opened, Alicaria entered the room, to his surprise, went close to the four men, took a good look at them, then made her way towards a chair next to him. As she sat, Olanus moved onto the fourth man.

Man 4: A younger rounder man, black between the toes of his feet. A few black highlights spread over his head, thinking he might trick people into thinking that he has hair. He was fidgety, swearing like it was raining indoors, yet his speech was dragging and slow. Spitting left and right as he was trying to put thought to word through his fat cheeks and fatter lips. As the interrogation went on, the more and more Olanus had the urge to strangle him and rip his throat through his asshole. Having her there helped him get through it all…

He had the men held up in that room, as they went outside to discuss the situation and debrief her into the information he gathered from them. Yet there was no news about the fifth men, which only fueled his anger and frustration. Thus he started relying the information, saying: The first man seems a bit too old and scrawny in my opinion. Then there’s the fact that he said he taking care of his animals all day, feeding them, stalking up and getting ready for the congregation. Helping those that can’t feed themselves… He looked at her and asked if she knew him. She shook her head, signaling no. Thinking that he may not tell her about him, he moved on: The second one was odd, he looks like he is impervious to everything and anything. A bit too holy, a bit too suspicious. He said he went through there, but not your place specifically, as he had some errands to run and had talked to some folk on the streets. He again looked at her and asked if she knew him… She surprised like being woken from a dream, nods and tells him about seeing him two or thrice a day around, in the rare days she spends her time at home morning to evening.

The third man is disgusting, and looks like someone that could harm people. Said Olanus scratching his head, as he was walking frustrated around the room. She responded by saying that he rarely saw the man around, but he did see him. She also heard about his story, The man behind the legends, supposedly he was known to have fought the boar infestation twenty years prior, thus leading to the poor state he was in now. Olanus was shocked, as he too heard those stories about that man when he was but a boy.

Then there’s this forth man… Olanus said frustrated, exclaiming He is too stupid to have done anything. She couldn’t help herself but laugh at him and his outburst. I know him, she said. We’re roughly the same age, grew up together, he was always this way. He comes by once in a while to chat and to talk to me. Nothing more, he’s like a little brother. They were nowhere closer to solving the mystery of what happened to poor Juliusegos de la Capital… And so, his tragedy lives on…

In Creetus….

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Pilot Program - I Write Sins Not Tragedies

Dreams, the type of stuff that keeps you up all night. The thing that keeps your mind active even when you want to rest, cause your head feels like it’s about to explode due to it being overworked. What a fantastic way to get traumatized sometimes, you simply dream of the unexplainable and the unreasonable when you can’t move your body willingly, unless you wake up, of course. Like that one time…

Inside a big living room, everything seems shrouded in darkness except the life that the flickering fire was providing in the fireplace. The walls were red with gold wavy linings, it all looked expensive and exquisite. The brown hardwood floor had a shining polish, a big fluffy rug on the floor, upon it a small coffee table. Everything so clean, no speck of dust seemed to live anywhere around that room. Long burgundy drapes, flowing from along side the giant windows, it was a clear skies night outside. The big dark brown door opened. With fluffy black socks, skinny legs, in black panties with a white t-shirt on, she entered the room. Black straight hair a bit under her shoulder blades, long natural red nails, some black eyeliner, monolid eye shape and some gorgeous brown eyes, she smiled as she entered the room. I was on a brown leather couch, unable to get up. She seemed entertained by it all, giggling and looking like she just won the biggest jackpot. She signals me to get closer with a gesture of her hand and one finger. I feel pulled out from the couch by a mysterious force which I can’t control. I fly into her arms, she stars laughing as she grabs me in her arms and says: “Oh, I am so lucky to have you here, with me." I’m confused, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know her, I don’t know how I got there or how she is doing any of this. But here I am…

What can I do? What could I have done? As confused as I am, as good it feels to be held by her, a warm embrace filled with love. At peace, I give in, I hug her back. Yet something still doesn’t feel right, or at least that’s what I was thinking. A small push from her, I fly back onto the couch, on my back, I can’t move again. Slowly moving towards me, a big smile on her face she playfully winks at me. I start to get nervous, excited, I felt like I was shaking, though I couldn’t move. Once she got to me, she started touching my chest. I was wearing a white shirt, no tie and some black suit pants. She started kissing me passionately, I couldn’t stop her, nor did I want to at that point, somehow her spell wore off enough to the point where I could move my arms again…

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This is the forth of the Pilot Program short stories.n If you want to read more, like it, share it, read and re-read it and comment. And that way you’ll decide which of the short stories in the Pilot Program gets a 52 week run in 2020.

Attropolis XV

Caution: Attropolis contains strong language, sexual content, disturbing images and immoral grotesque behavior. You have been warned.

The wailing in the house had stopped, she finally stood up on her feet, slowly, gently she got up. Wiped the tears from here face, step by step, slowly moved towards the door. On her way she grabbed a small rusty pole she had in the house by the fire place. As she reached the door, she grabbed onto Olanus’s hand, pulling him to the side, so she could step beside him. The murmur of the crowd grew thinner, between her dirty locks her voice cracked like a whip towards the crowd. And with her voice she swung to the right, to the left, the echoes were like thunder to lightning. Accusing people of envying her, of wanting to hurt her, because she turned them down, because they thought she was an abnormality, with no redeeming qualities. A monster in the disguise of a woman with charms. They were pointing at her legs, her dress, one woman even pulling her by the hair. That was the point where Olanus intervened, slapping the woman’s hand away, and shushing the crowd. He had questioned the crowd about men of faith, specifically if there are some that usually visit this part of Rome. After a few minutes he had a list of a few good men of the faith, he gave the list to his soldiers, to gather them at the court. Olanus invited her back into the carriage, the people stopped making any fuss out of fear.

Once they arrived at the court, Olanus was briefed on the fact that they could find only four out of the five men, this only enraged him, sending a few of his men out the look for him. The rest were interrogated by Olanus on his own, as she was sent to be bathed and taken care of.

MAN 1: An old scrawny man, there wasn’t one spot on his skin that wasn’t wrinkly, yet despite all that he smelled like a field of freshly grown flowers. Serene blue eyes, a gentle smile, rotten splinters where there used to be teeth.

Whilst interrogating the man, he responded nicely, with a soft voice. Listening to it, you could easily fall asleep. The clarity in his eyes, had Olanus disheartened for a moment, thinking they might have brought such a sweet old man in for such a horrible deed. Yet the man, with a look, made him understand that it was okay, he understood that he was only doing his job. When asked about the woman and the child, he simply told him that he would only leave some food outside their window, since he felt pity for the poor things. This, melted his heart, so he moved on…

MAN 2: An older man, but not as old as the first one, with a long silver beard and hair to match. He had all his white teeth, like he had never used them, his breath like that of a minty piss. Bespoke like none of them there, dust seemed to want to run away from him and dirt feared him. When Olanus interrogated him, his voice when responding was like those of muses singing. His eyes shinning like a star, no speck of vein on the whites of his eyes either. All his answers to the questions were clear as pure water, no hesitation, nor did he break eye contact with Olanus.

But then…

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Pilot Program - Wish a Wish

My name is Amelia. And I… I’ve been cursed…

Hear me out, don’t just leave… She pulls you back to sit down.

Jeez, tough crowd. She scoffs.

This world doesn’t function the way yours does, this isn’t normal. Here wishes can become a reality, a world where if you really really wish for it, the universe will align to make it a reality. Want a car? Boom!! You have your car. Want wealth? You got it, buddy. Whatever you wish, you can have it. Want to become the best at your job? Want to become a god with unlimited powers? Want to be the one? You got all that and more. Ending her grand introductory speech with a grin on her face.

You know when your parents were telling you that you could become anything? Yeah? This is the world where you literally can. Because, all you have to do… Is… Wish it and… Poof… You got it. Your wish is now reality. Sounds nice, right? Well… Here’s the twist… I know, right? There’s a twist, there’s always a twist to these things, isn’t there? Want to know the twist? The twists of all twists? You have to make people believe in your wish too. Good luck with that. Angrily she takes a shot of hard liquor and looks into your eyes.

Maybe now you understand why I said that I’ve been cursed. These stupid dense holy shit people are impossible to deal with and I can’t stand them one bit. Do you know how it feels to work in a world where all your wishes can become true? And these idiots just stand there and tell you that “If you smiled more and you’d be a more cheerful person, they’d help you with your wishes.” AAAH!!! They’re such hypocrites, it pisses me off. What? Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have something on my face? Stop it, stop staring. Don’t pity me… What? I’ve tried wishing, I really did. And I believed in it, I believed in them… I believed in people and even the power of making anything come true. But somehow for me… It never worked. I don’t know why. She sighed.

Somehow I just seem to disappoint everyone, even myself. How? Who knows… But I really wish I knew how to make any of this work… I wish a wish…

This is part of the Pilot Program, where you decide which is going to be the next 52 chapter story for 2020. How will you do that? By reading it, re-reading it, sharing it, liking it and getting it in front of a lot of people. This is the third of the Pilot Program short stories, the first one being 20 Questions, the second one being Literal Generic.

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Pilot Program - Literal Generic

Michael - 28, Actor

I finally made it, I can’t believe I’m here. Being lucky to live your dream is simply a blessing, even if the road here was nothing but a nightmare. I guess that’s why they say that it’s worth to fight for your dreams and never give up. That’s what he thought to himself… Being back in his dressing room, getting ready for rehearsals, Michael’s excitement was palpable as he fell down on his knees, shaking. Ten years, it took him ten years to get to where he is now. That somehow seems to the usual amount of time before you can taste real success.

Finally, I’m here, at the rehearsal, for my favorite director. Now don’t be such a wuss… Shaking… Hah. I deserve this, I’ve worked my ass to get here. I went through literal fucking hell to get here. Especially because everyone here thinks they’re the artists of all artists, a genius of some sort. Ironic, they’re as generic as they come, nothing else. Acting like they know art and their vision is the only true one, denying anyone or shutting anyone down out of fear of being outsmarted or put to shame. Insecure motherfuckers… Yet, they put you through hell at the first sign of any kind of opportunity. Though they act like angels, these spawns from hell.

Michael, a 28 year old actor, that doesn’t know what it means to give up. A stubborn man that has no competition when it comes to being spiteful in the most interesting of ways. He’s worked at the same construction company for years, while auditioning for parts here and there, to little success until now.

Adeline - 26, Actress

I don’t know why the fuck he got offered the part. What could have he seen in him? He is such a basic ass bitch. I swear, if he keeps me back and ruins the show, I’m going to castrate him. Just to make sure he’ll never reproduce. Do you know how important this play is for me? I’ve been busting my ass for a while, and having such an important director come here? Fuck, that’s a one in a billion chance. So, we have to take this chance, man. This isn’t Broadway, we have no big actors to compete with. But it’s our chance out of here.

It’s what she said, but compared to what Michael was thinking: I’m going to fuck this up, I’m going to fuck this up, I’m going to fuck up the fucking Scottish play. He seemed very composed on failure. Yet this is just the beginning of his journey… Well, not quite. You’re not even reading the beginning, this is just an introduction to Literal Generic.

The Pilot Program is a series where you vote for your favorite next series for 2020. How do you vote? By reading, sharing, liking, commenting and that way, you will choose the story for 2020. This is just the second in a string of short stories. The first one being 20 Questions: https://www.raulfo.com/nobodytheblog/2019/1/23/pilot-program-20-questions

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