She slowly moves her hand towards my crotch. Listen here, she says as she grabs my junk. That’s no way to live life and you know it too. There are way too many things that you could have done in any other way, but this feels like nothing but pure childishness from you. She slaps me, before moving back on the other side of the table and drags another smoke of her cigarette. I know! You’re disappointed. This isn’t what you thought I’d be after so many years. Don’t look so surprised, I’m not entirely a moron. She starts laughing, covering her face with her hands. I have no idea what I saw in you, when I fell for you, she says. Without thinking I interrupt her. Me neither. Her hand shaking as she puts out the cigarette, her face with the most bitter of smiles as she looks at me. I never thought I’d see you, nor did I ever want to see you like this. A slight chuckle from her after hearing that. Me neither….
We looked into each other’s eyes, the chocolaty brown color of her eyes, drew me into the dark of her pupils as she used to do with her puppy eyes. I thought she thought what I was thinking, thoughts of what if’s and maybes. You know… I have two kids now. They’re absolutely wonderful. My husband sometimes can be a dick, but you know me. I always used to do shit for myself, never needed him, you or anyone for that matter. She stops there to light another cigarette as the bartender brings us another round of beers. So, if I can do all this, you can too. And let’s be honest, I’m not the first to tell you all this, right? I nod without saying anything else. But, it’s good seeing you. Glad to see you’re handling life somehow. Even if it’s somewhat poorly. We both take a drink at the same time and stare at each other once more without saying much else.
What do you want to do in this life? She asked. Don’t ask me that. She smiles. Why? Head in my hands, looking down at the table. You know why. I can’t… I don’t know. How are you supposed to know what the fuck to do in a lifetime when… I start to gesture broadly at everything around me. Oh you absolute weakling, she says with disgust. How have you lived life like this until now? You really haven’t grown up in all these years. Glad you’re not the father of my kids. I with a bitter smile look at her and grind my teeth. Me too, at least now we see something eye to eye, right? She scoffs at what I just said. I’m sorry. It’s just that I can’t do anything about the decisions I already took. There’s nothing I could do right now to do better what has already been done. Nor can I ever prove to you or anyone that I wronged anything, because by the time I’ll do it, you won’t be there to witness it. That’s why when I saw you, for a moment I was happy. But then, I remembered that I’m not who I thought I’d be when I’d see you again…
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