Existing is complicated.
If you live you are going to create stuff. You create actions which creates a reaction, this in turn creates memories. Now,, with those memories you do as you please. You think as you please and as you can. But, something you can’t do, is undo those things. You can apologize, take responsibility for those actions. Get forgiven and forgive yourself, but you can not undo what’s been done. Which is fine. And if you’re thinking that you can undo because you can repair stuff, we’re going to enter a long discussion about a certain ship and I do not wish that upon you. So, as you exist you do things, things are being done to you, and thus existence is a constant flux of things happening all the time and all the time happening constantly to you. And, as a writer, I can not help but look back at myself. The first time I did that, it broke me. Now, a second time, I do not have the same self-esteem problem when it comes to my own ego. Which sounds fake coming from me patting myself on the back, but I have a point with this. I wanted to see if I can reinterpret some of my old posts from the original blog from 2008 for you here, with a new perspective. As I have done at the beginning of this blog when we moved over to this website. But looking back, some of the stuff I posted did not age well. Not because it was anything bad, morally speaking, but because I do not feel the same frustration as I did back then. And I have a better way of putting things into at least a certain perspective, which would make more sense even for my old self.
And that is a complicated feeling to face, while happy that I can do that, which is what we should all try to strive for… Have an answer to the questions our old past selves had. A dream, for sure, as many questions have no answer, and some answers can never become a solution in our live times. Depending on the scale of the question and the answer. But, I can’t help it, when I look at me, who I was, at that the frustration I had, that even if I had the answer, there was never something I could do about any of that back then. Nor do I think it would’ve satisfied me. But rather put more flames beneath my wings to try more, do more stuff, no matter if I knew something or not. And I wish I had the same drive I did back then. But I do not, and that is the one thing I can only admire about my old self, the stubborn, dumb, self determination to do something, anything, everything. Yet I think this is more of a universal feeling we all have after a certain age. Whether you remember how much you could work, how much you could do, how brave you were, how fun you were, these things are what drive the mid-life crisis, are they not? Finding these things in us are always fine, in my opinion, as long as we apply the wisdom we got through living and we don’t just throw ourselves without thought to do the things we used to.
So, I can’t help but look at myself and ask if the way I am is okay. If there’s something else I should have done to be better, become someone that’s more than I am right now. I’ve been ruminating on a book that I could’ve finished in two weeks for 6 years. I could’ve done so much more if I had the courage I had when I was younger, at least that’s what I am inclined to think, yet at the same time I would’ve been in so much trouble, if I had that courage and impulse. So, when I look at me, I can’t help but think of how lucky I am to be who I am now, riddled with anxiety, yet with stuff I always wished to have. Not as sure of myself as before, but doing things I love. Yet, despite all of that, if you’re an overthinker, there’s always some if, some maybe, some something that someone could have done better, should have done better. So when I look back at me, I there are mixed feelings, yet there’s not much regret or hate. So, when I look at myself know, I can’t help but be excited for what I will think of this moment right now in ten years from now. What I’ll think of myself and these words then? What new wisdom will I have? What new answer will I have to the frustrations I have now. to the questions I have now… What do you think? What do you feel? What critique do you have? I ask now to my future self.
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