And for what? She asks. I… She starts laughing. See? Whether they read what you write, like you, dislike you and what you do. All that doesn’t matter. Nor are they your problem. I don’t know what you expected to be or to become. But this is fine. Without thinking I cut her off. It isn’t. We need to do better. I need to do better than this. With a bittersweet smile, she reaches out and holds my hand. It’s fine. You are doing fine. You can’t control everything, right? Then how can you do better when you are already doing everything you can? She asks on the sweetest of tones. Her words were like a warm hug, yet in my mind, the disappointment I felt was immense at the thought that there is nothing I could achieve or do. The same applies to love. You can’t expect everything to be perfect, nor should you. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth it. I try to stop her, but the words escape me as she continues.
Her voice echoes through my brain, but they don’t make any sense. Stop it, please, I say as I look at her with a pitiful look on my face. I’m sorry, she says. I couldn’t love you enough, teach you enough, help you get over whatever it is that you were going through. I reach out and grab her hand. Stop it. There’s no reason to apologize, you did nothing wrong. She looks at me like I dragged her out from under a a collapsed building. With a smile she looks at me and says… Glad to see that you’ve grown a little. But if I did nothing wrong, you shouldn’t burden yourself with all these questions and problems. They’re not all yours to solve. Just do what you can, and try to enjoy life. I nod, without being able to say anything. I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to tell you. I look at her and I choke on my words. I did love you back then. You know that, right? She asks. Unable to keep my tears back, I nod once more.
Her phone rings, she dismisses it. Shouldn’t you answer that? She shakes her head. Give me your phone number, she says. I tell her my phone number, she thanks me. What a day, huh? She asks while laughing. You have no idea, it’s been overwhelming. And I couldn’t think I’d ever see you again, or hear your voice outside of a the video I have of you. Quickly she picks up on what I just said. Video? I nod. What video? I don’t remember videos. I start laughing. Don’t worry, nothing like that. It’s from a party we went to once, a long time ago. She looks at me confused. I don’t remember us going to many parties. I laugh once more. Well, of course not. It’s been ages ago, and many important things happened to you, right? She smiles. Yes. Thank you for this. Glad to have seen you. And stop overthinking so many things, you’re ruining yourself, she says as she gets up and leaves me alone once more at that table. And then, my phone rings…
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