I am an anxious person...
Now, thinking back to when I was a child, worrying about getting on time in school, getting the best grades, I always was anxious. Yes, that behavior for me changed when I started seeing through lies and when I saw the attitude of those expecting me to be the very best like no one ever was regarding their efforts. But once you have something you want to achieve, something that you feel sets you free, and you fight for it. Yes, there is the excitement part of it, but there’s also the stress, exhaustion, anxiety, especially if there’s a lot of unreliable ground beneath you and people do not understand your worry, considering the way they behave is the reason you worry. But, my point is that if you wish for freedom, if you wish for something and you are poor, you will have to fight harder than anyone. If you wanna do it fairly without dragging anyone down, stepping over others and keep your morals about you, well, that is even harder. Which does not help the anxiety. But this anxiety for me came from one single place. Being misunderstood.
Whatever the reason, whatever the call, those that listened to me always misunderstood me. A reason I even got into reading, writing, and trying to find my voice, is that I was always being misunderstood. Now, that’s not entirely those people’s fault, you can have good intentions trying to do, act, say something and you might on your own misunderstand their intentions, actions or words. So those things happened as well, I am aware of that, and I am not blaming anyone for any of that, it happens. Especially since those people might have their own circumstances, thoughts and distractions to deal with. So misunderstandings are a part of our lives, living without them is near impossible. But, there are situations where people push a certain image upon you and purposefully create misunderstandings, so that you fit in their neat little box they decided you belong in. Here are some examples: I’m a hater, I hate everyone, I need to always be right. These things are true if you want them to be true. You can look through the lens of these statements at anything anyone does or says and it will be true if you on purpose misunderstand, or rather misrepresent what they say or do. Yes, someone can easily hate everyone, be a hater and need to always be right. But in order for someone to determine whether that’s true or not, you need to look at the facts. If they hate everyone, are they anti-social? Do they not ever socialize? Are they combative with everyone they approach? If they are a hater, do they find faults with literally everything? Do they constantly comment that everything is wrong even though there might not be? See what I mean? There’s a difference between simply ascribing those qualities to someone and someone actually being what those qualities ascribe.
Therefore my anxiety, need to overexplain, need to overthink, need to hold things in until I feel like I have processed them and thought them through enough. If you have read any of the four books, you know that I used to be more impulsive and reactionary, whether I was right or wrong. If it felt wrong, if it hurt, it went against me and I wouldn’t let it stand. Yet, this was also from bullying and the need to stand up for myself, but that’s a whole other story. In those years of being a teenager, I started writing trying to find how to express what I felt. I knew how I felt, I was letting people know that. But I couldn’t process any of the thoughts, emotions or even look back critically analyze what I’ve done and if it was wrong or not. So, in the past ten years I have worked very hard to do that and change that. This summer was the culmination of all this work, I think. I hope, this summer I got to change a lot of people’s minds when it comes to thinking who I am, what I am, or how they perceive me. Whether it’s old friends, new friends, family, colleagues, I hope I got to change their minds again. Not that I made an effort to go out of my way to impress anyone, I still make mistakes, I still struggle with messaging and things. But I hope that I made myself clear in that I do not wish for toxicity, hate, combativeness and cruelty in my circle. And that embodying that type of personality got through to them. I still have to convince people that my posts come from concern, love for the planet, love for the infinite possibilities of human goodness and imagination. But that’s something my writing will try to convey until the day I die, probably.
So, if you’re an old friend, a new friend, a future friend or simply family, and you are reading this, just know that I am proud of you. We’ve been through some tough times and we managed to get through them. And please try to read and understand that whatever I write, it always comes from a good place.
P.S.
And if you want to know why it might feel that I always wanna be right, well, the reason is that whenever I am misunderstood, I always try to over-explain and make sure you understood what I am trying to say. And having a simple philosophy when it comes to being a good person or a bad person might also intensify this, because I believe a discussion is always welcome when it is with good intentions and not in bad faith. And especially if there’s something to learn. But that might be a whole other post about discussions, arguments, debates and beliefs.