Script by Raul F. O.
South Park Spec Script.Northern Park
EXT.
WIDE SHOT
Kyle, Cartman, Kenny and Stan are standing at the bus stop, waiting for the bus. From the right comes Butters, he gets next to Cartman. And he kicks him Cartman in the genitals.
CUT TO:
THE OPENING/INTRO OF THE SHOW
FADE IN:
WIDE SHOT
TO RANDY ALL ALONE AT A WINE BAR WATCHING TV
TV NEWSCASTER TOM
We report once again that in one of our cities in Colorado, mainly in one of the Parks, there is raping, pillaging and yes, even murder. A total disaster as doomsday is approaching once again.
RANDY
Oh, what now? This is bullshit. We just got some peace and quiet, and now this?
CUT TO:
INT.
City Hall
WIDE SHOT
We see all the South Park characters in the Hall, except Randy. There is a big murmur, everyone is talking and is upset.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Quiet everyone.
The murmur stops.
MAYOR MCDANIELS (CONT’D)
We all know why we are gathered here today. But we all know the truth. There is no doomsday upon us.
MEDIUM SHOT
GOTH KIDS
We knew this was all a lie.
WIDE SHOT OF THE CITY HALL
We see the Goth kids getting up and storming out of the City Hall.
MEDIUM-CLOSE SHOTS ARE USED BELOW WITH THE CAMERA CUTTING FROM ONE CHARACTER TO THE NEXT
SHEILA BROFLOVSKI
How do you know that, Ms. Mayor? When did the news media start to lie to us?
CARTMAN
Oh good, here we go again.
KYLE
Shut up, asshole.
STEPHEN STOTCH
Ever since we got rid of all the ads, we only got real, authentic news.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Listen here. Nothing is happening, there is no doomsday, there is nothing to be afraid. So go home and do not panic.
SHEILA BROFLOVSKI
And why should we listen to you? Every time we were on the brink of an apocalypse you were nowhere to be found.
STEPHEN STOTCH
Exactly.
WIDE SHOT
Murmur starts again in the City Hall.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET
Butters looking rugged, walking on the street towards South Park. With a very angry expression on his face.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE THE CITY HALL
WIDE SHOT
PEOPLE ARE EXITING IN ANGER THE CITY HALL. AND THE FOUR BOYS TALKING.
MEDIUM-CLOSE SHOTS
KYLE
This is bullshit. Why were we dragged to this and for what?
CARTMAN
For nothing. For absolutely nothing. Hopefully we’ll get some KFC, because I am starving.
KENNY
Muffled (Is that Butters?)
CARTMAN
Not now, Kenny.
THE CAMERA PANS FROM THE FOUR BOYS TO STEPHEN STOTCH AND BUTTERS, WHERE WE SEE STEPHEN ANGRY TOWARDS BUTTERS. LOOKING DOWN ON HIM AND GESTURING. WITH LINDA NEXT TO HIM ON THE VERGE OF CRYING.
MEDIUM SHOT
STEPHEN STOTCH
How dare you run away from home, leaving only a note that you’re going to visit your girlfriend in Canada? Are you mad? You are grounded for four weeks.
BUTTERS
Grounded my fucking ass.
STEPHEN STOTCH
What did you just say, young man?
BUTTERS
Go piss on your own balls.
Butters spits on his father (Stephen) and goes towards the four boys.
MEDIUM-LONG SHOT
STEPHEN STOTCH
Butters you get back here! Butters! Butters! You are grounded until you’re 30!
LINDA STOTCH
Let him be, Stephen. We lost him again.
Linda and Stephen start crying.
THE CAMERA FOLLOWS BUTTERS AS HE GOES TOWARDS THE BOYS.
KENNY
Muffled (Guys, guys.)
CARTMAN
Not now, Kenny.
WE SEE BUTTERS ARRIVING NEXT TO THE BOYS.
KYLE
Butters? Weren’t you supposed to be in Canada?
BUTTERS
Right, right... Canada, sure... No, I came back early.
CARTMAN
What? Were you missing your daddy and mommy? Were you afraid there alone?
BUTTERS
Yeah, sure. Whatever you say.
STAN
Are you okay, dude?
BUTTERS
Yeah, yeah, this is boring, I am going.
KYLE
See you later.
BUTTERS
Mhm. Sure.
BUTTERS EXISTS THE SCENE ON THE LEFT.
KENNY
Muffled (That isn’t Butters.)
KYLE
What are you talking about?
KENNY
Muffled (He spit on his father)
KYLE
No he didn’t.
STAN
But what if, what Kenny is saying is true?
CARTMAN
Ahahahaha. You guys are hilarious. Butters, right. And I am a filthy Jew.
KYLE
Cartman, shut up.
STAN
But what if Butters snapped?
KYLE
What do you mean? He snapped.
KENNY
Muffled (Like for, example the whole fucking last twenty seasons.)
STAN
Kenny is right.
KYLE
What are you guys talking about?
STAN
Let’s just follow him.
CUT TO:
INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE
CLOSE UP SHOT OF THE MAYOR’S FACE
MAYOR MCDANIELS
What is wrong with these people? I swear to God, I don’t know how we survived for so long.
THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT FROM HER FACE TO REVEAL PUBLIC OFFICE WORKERS RUNNING AROUND WITH FOLDERS WITH FACTS AND ALTERNATIVE FACTS WRITTEN ON THEM.
OFFICE WORKER NO.1
Mayor, where should we put these files?
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Who cares, it’s all the same now, isn’t it? With that motherfucking Garrison now as president, it doesn’t matter. Someone better get me some schnapps.
ANOTHER OFFICE WORKER BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR LOOKING VERY DISTRESED
OFFICE WORKER D
I have bad news, Ms. Mayor. It’s happening.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE BOYS ARE FOLLOWING BUTTERS ON HIS ADVENTURE THROUGH SOUTH PARK STREETS
A MEDIUM CLOSE SHOT OF THE BOYS
KYLE
So what do you think he’s doing here?
CARTMAN
Maybe he came here to buy some penis.
KENNY
Muffled (Hahaha)
KYLE
That’s so stupid, even for you.
THE CAMERA PANS AWAY FROM THE BOYS AND WE SEE AN OLD MAN WITH A WHITE BEARD APPROACHING BUTTERS AND GIVING HIM SOMETHING THAT NO ONE CAN FIGURE OUT. AFTER WHICH IT GOES BACK TO THE BOYS TALKING.
STAN
Who was that?
KYLE
I don’t know, man. But he looked familiar.
STAN
Let’s keep following him.
KENNY
Muffled (Told you that this isn’t our Butters)
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET
The boys keep stalking Butters as he meets with what seems to be a blonde woman with an unnatural, unfitting head for her body. And a bit later with a very good looking version of Cartman. As Cartman sees this, he goes to confront Butters.
CARTMAN
Hey! Who was that?
BUTTERS
Why do you care? Go eat some KFC or MC or something to grow your big bones.
CARTMAN
You asshole. Tell me, who was that?
BUTTERS
Do. Not. Make. Me. Angry. You pussy.
CARTMAN
That’s it. We’re doing this.
Cartman throws his red jacket on the street. And gets in a fighting stance.
THE CAMERA PANS OVER TO KENNY, STAN AND KYLE AS THEY STAY AWAY AND WATCH FROM A BIT OF A DISTANCE CARTMAN AND BUTTERS.
STAN
Aren’t we going to do anything?
KYLE
What? Why would we? Let him be. Let’s just watch this time.
THE CAMERA PANS BACK OVER TO CARTMAN AND BUTTERS. INTENSE MUSIC STARTS AS THEY ARE ABOUT TO FIGHT.
Cartman tries to punch Butters, as he dodges, Cartman falls on his belly. Cartman gets up, and goes again for another punch at Butters. Butters dodges, trips Cartman, he falls on his back. Cartman is trying to get back up. But when he does, Butters is already gone. The three boys come to see Cartman Standing and crying.
KENNY
Muffled (Are you okay?)
CARTMAN
Y-y-yes.
Cartman slowly recovers and they start searching for Butters again.
KYLE
It’s so weird. He usually cries and goes home, but now this.
STAN
I know dude. Maybe he finally grew up.
KYLE
Yeah, maybe him having a girlfriend made him grow up.
CUT TO:
INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE
The camera is on the mayor while she is waiting for someone to pick up.
MEDIUM SHOT
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Come on, pick up. Pick up.
OFFICE WORKER NO.2
Why isn’t he picking up?
THE SCREEN IS SPLIT IN TWO IN ORDER TO SEE THE TWO SIDES TALKING.
PRESIDENT GARRISON
Hello? This is the White House, I swear to god, if you’re Kim Jon Un again, I’m gonna nuke your fatass.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
No. It’s me Mr. Garrison.
PRESIDENT GARRISON
Oh, it’s you. What do you want?
MAYOR MCDANIELS
It’s happening. Again. We need your help.
PRESIDENT GARRISON
I don’t want to. If you want any help talk to Steve.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Please, President Garrison. They are here.
PRESIDENT GARRISON
I told you, I do not care. Here, talk to Stevie.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
No... Wait
STEVE BANNON
Hello, who is this?
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Hello, Mr. President. I am the Mayor of South Park. And we need your help with something very important.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET
THE BOYS ARE STILL FOLLOWING BUTTERS, AS BUTTERS MEETS WITH DIFFERENT PEOPLE TO EXCHANGE THINGS.
KYLE
What the fuck is he doing? Who are those people?
STAN
I don’t know, but this isn’t normal.
CARTMAN
We’ve been tracking this young man that turned bad. Bad for money? Bad for what? It was a mystery, a mystery this detective knew he had to solve.
KENNY
Muffled (Together with his trusted friend they went and investigated. When I saw a woman with beautiful breasts across the street I had to run towards her.)
CARTMAN
What?
THE CAMERA TRACKS KENNY AS HE RUNS TOWARDS A WOMAN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD. BUT BEFORE HE COULD GET TO HER, HE IS HIT BY CAITLYN JENNER.
STAN
Oh my god, they killed Kenny.
KYLE
You bastards!
CARTMAN
And so, my dear partner, was killed.
KYLE
Can’t you have a little bit of respect for him and stop narrating? We’re not in a film noir.
CARTMAN
Suck my balls Kyle. Kenny was my partner, not yours. I lost a dear friend today. We should have solved this case together.
KYLE
Just shut up.
STAN
Look over there!
THE CAMERA PANS TOWARDS BUTTERS AND A MAN.
CARTMAN
Isn’t that...
KYLE
No, it can’t be...
STAN
But it is...
SUDDENLY AN ALARM STARTS TO SOUND IN THE WHOLE CITY. AS THE CAMERA MOVES TO AN ESTABLISHING SHOT OF THE CITY AND GOES BACK TO THE KIDS.
KYLE
What’s happening? What’s this alarm for?
THE MAYOR VOICE IS HEARD OVER THE ALARM
MAYOR MCDANIELS (V.O.)
Dear citizens of South Park. As of this moment, the city is under lock. No one goes in or out. Until we figure out who is from here and who is from Northern Park. So do not trust anyone, they could be a Northerner.
KYLE
Wait, what?
STAN
This makes no sense. What is a Northerner?
KYLE
Like Canadians? Or what?
MAYOR MCDANIELS (V.O.)
No, not like Canadians, like from Northern Park. The opposite of South Park, how stupid are you people?
Is what the Mayor said on the announcement over the alarm.
CUT TO:
INT. WINE BAR
MEDIUM-LONG SHOT
Randy Marsh is enjoying a glass of Sauvignon Blanc wine, watching the TV.
TV NEWSCASTER TOM
Welcome back to the 5 o’clock news. The Mayor of South Park just announced that we are on lock down. Again. Due to Northerners infiltrating the South Park community. The Mayor told us that President Bannon is sending help to eradicate the problem.
RANDY
Yeah, sure. God damn it.
PC Principal joins Randy.
PC PRINCIPAL
We shouldn’t let this be. You know that, right?
RANDY
I am tired of it. It’s tiring.
PC PRINCIPAL
But that’s exactly what they want from you. To be tired, to not think. That’s what they want from all of us. They want to divide us. They want to divide those from the North and the South. And this is the God damn United States of America.
RANDY
We’re in ‘Murica! Fuck yeah!
PC PRINCIPAL
So what do you say? Shall we do this?
RANDY
Yes.
CUT TO:
INT - WHITE HOUSE CONFERENCE ROOM
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF THE CONFERENCE ROOM. WITH THE CORESPONDENT AT THE PODIUM STARTING THE CONFERENCE.
CHARLIE SHEEN
Shut up, people! We’re here today because we’re winning. We’re winning so much, you have no idea. For example, today our President signed another executive order regarding the ban on wigs, toupees and hay hair. Also today President St.. Trump decided that we’re about to nuke South Park. Or Northern Park, whichever, doesn’t matter. The idea is that we’re going to win whatever is there to win. So we have to stay positive in this regard. Also, people still love our President, because he is winning, like you have no idea. And that is the truth. Any other questions?
JOURNALIST 1
Yes. Can I ask a question?
CHARLIE SHEEN
That was a question. Another question? No? Okay.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET OF SOUTH PARK
MEDIUM SHOT
KYLE
What is happening? Why are people running like crazy on the street?
STAN
I don’t know, man. But it’s freaking me out.
RANDY
Staaaan... Staaaan...
STAN
Dad? Dad? Where are you?
THE CAMERA PANS TOWARDS RANDY AS HE RUNS TO STAN.
RANDY
Oh thank god you’re okay.
STAN
Dad, what’s happening?
RANDY
It’s bad, it’s really bad. These people want to drive us apart.
STAN
Who are these people?
RANDY
They are bad people. We once fought them, now they are back.
STAN
What are you talking about?
RANDY
There’s no time for that here, let’s get somewhere safe.
STAN
Where are we going?
RANDY
At our home, in the basement. That’s where everyone gathered around.
CUT TO:
INT. BASEMENT OF THE MARSH HOUSE
LONG ESTABLISHING SHOT
The three boys and Randy make their entrance. As PC Principal and others were waiting for Randy to return.
MEDIUM SHOT
RANDY
We’re back. It’s all madness outside.
KYLE
What’s happening?
PC PRINCIPAL
They want to keep the people of South Park separated and intolerant to the outside world. They don’t want us, to let other people in our community.
KYLE
Who are these people? You keep talking about these people, but who are they? And what the fuck are Northerners?
RANDY
It’s okay, Stan. We’re here. We will fight back.
PC PRINCIPAL
Northerners are something we thought we wouldn’t see anymore.
RANDY
You see kids, years ago, more specifically in the 60’s, there were things that we did. Things that we can’t really explain. And the government took advantage of this.
CUT TO:
EXT. FLASHBACK TO THE 60’S
We see an establishing shot of a city named Central Park, Colorado. And we start hearing Randy narrating.
RANDY (V.O.)
When we were your age, our parents were very high. So no one knew what we were doing. And no one cared, we were free as butterflies looking for some poon. There were the four of us. Me, Gerald, Chef and Stuart McCormick. We were the coolest kids in the South Park elementary. Everyone was fearing us.
As Randy narrates his story, the flashback shows the reality of the situation. (The exact opposite of what he is narrating. Except their parents getting high on acid, the four protagonists of this flashback and the parents leaving for Woodstock)
RANDY (V.O.)
All the girls were really into us. We were the smartest of them all. We had respect, no one ever dared touching us, not even the adults.
SHARON MARSH
Randy, get going with the story.
RANDY (V.O.)
But one weekend in August 1969, all the adults disappeared. No one knows what happened. Everyone was leaving happily, when they came back, those people change. A lot. Most of them we couldn’t recognize. When we asked them what happened, no one remembered anything. A week later, for some reason, everyone in town was fighting. Long story short, Central Park was divided in two. They signed a treaty and build the mountains around us, to keep each other apart.
FADE IN:
BACK TO THE BASEMENT, PRESENT DAY
STAN
But how come we never heard about this?
PC PRINCIPAL
Because people ,like the lying media, don’t want us to know about these things.
KYLE
Wait, what?
CARTMAN
That’s it, I’m going home. Screw this.
KENNY
Muffled (Yeah, fuck this place.)
KYLE
Kenny, you’re back. How?
KENNY
Muffled (Oh not this bullshit again.)
PC PRINCIPAL
Like I was saying! The media wants us divided, when the President is out there fighting for truth.
STAN
But didn’t Mr. Garrison say fuck’em all to death?
PC PRINCIPAL
But that’s what they want you to think. It’s all fake, it always was.
RANDY
Can’t you see Stan? We were divided for so many years, now finally they found their way back here, where they belong. With us.
STAN
Then why did the Mayor say that we shouldn’t trust anyone? That they might have replaced people from South Park?
RANDY
Oh, well, something about cloning experiments that the government did on us in the 60’s.
STAN
Wait what?
PC PRINCIPAL
We don’t have time, we need to solve this, now.
RANDY
So, does everyone have their phones, right?
All the characters respond in a unison.
ALL THE CHARACTERS
Yes!
RANDY
Good. Now, everyone open your Airbnb app.
STAN
Wait, what?
RANDY
You too Stan.
STAN
But why?
PC PRINCIPAL
Respect your father and do as he says. Now open your god damn Airbnb app before I beat some sense into you.
RANDY
Now we all should start accepting Northerners in your homes.
STAN
But why?
RANDY
Can’t you see, Stan? The only way to do this, is inclusion.
PC PRINCIPAL
If we include those that were banished back then, we might have finally a chance to do right what those before us did wrong.
RANDY
And how else can we do it? We have to let them in hour homes. That’s what happened when that one guy let Jesus to be born in his barn. And so should we do.
KYLE
Oh god.
CUT TO:
INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF THE OFFICE
The Mayor’s office is empty, with only the Mayor in her chair, drinking.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
How fucking great is this? If a nuke is our end, well then fuck them.
OFFICE WORKER D
Ms. Mayor, something horrible is happening. All the people of South Park have vanished. No one knows anything about anyone. And it seems that a large amount of Northerners are moving into Airbnb’s all over South Park. What are we supposed to be doing? There are doppelgangers everywhere.
CUT TO:
INT. BASEMENT OF THE MARSH HOUSE
We see the characters cheering as people move in their Airbnb’s.
STAN
Dad... Daaaaad... DAD!
RANDY
What?
STAN
It says on the internet that there’s a nuke heading towards South Park. What are we going to do?
RANDY
A nuke?
Everyone in the room starts to panic as Randy confirms by nodding after searching on his own phone if it is in fact true.
PC PRINCIPAL
Everybody calm down. We’re gonna survive.
SHEILA BROFLOVSKI
How? There’s a nuke heading for us.
RANDY
I know. Remember the bus we built a few years back? Let’s all get into that bus and go the Northern Park.
PC PRINCIPAL
But we can’t let people die here. We need to warn them too.
RANDY
But there won’t be enough space left on that bus. It’s either them, or us. We did our part and let them back here. Now they should show some gratitude and let us take their place.
WIDE SHOT
ALL THE CHARACTERS
Yeah.
MEDIUM SHOT
KYLE
I’d better call Cartman and tell him about this.
RANDY
Okay people, we’re aiming for that bus. Let’s go.
CUT TO:
EXT. RANDY’S HOUSE
WIDE SHOT
On the street we see a lot of chaos, we see doppelgangers running into each other and freaking out even more. We see other doppelgangers starting to make out in the middle of the street. As the siren from the alarm is still sounding through the city. In their efforts to get to the bus, our cast start fighting people in a montage of about 20 seconds long. Until the bus appears and stops in front of them and killing Kenny, again.
STAN
Oh my god, they killed Kenny. Again?
KYLE
You bastards.
The bus doors open and inside the Mayor is with Cartman, inviting them in.
KYLE (CONT’D)
How is this possible?
CARTMAN
I heard about the nuke and was heading towards the bus, when I met the Mayor here running like crazy trying to find you guys.
SHEILA BROFLOVSKI
You do care.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Of course I care, you morons. Now let’s get out of here and let’s make Northern Park our new South Park.
RANDY
PC Principal, come on, you have to come with us. We need you.
PC PRINCIPAL
No you don’t anymore. We have a great president, you guys changed, this all changed for the better. But for me, there’s still something to do here, some people to help. You go, I’ll stay behind.
RANDY
No, PC Principal... No!
STAN
Let’s go, dad.
RANDY
PC forever!
PC PRINCIPAL
PC forever. Now go.
We see PC Principal turning away and the doors to the bus closing, as Aerosmith’s I don’t wanna miss a thing starts playing.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET OF SOUTH PARK
WIDE SHOT
PC Principal starts running and gathering people around him and guides them towards the Whole Foods for protection.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET
LONG SHOT
We see the bus drive through duplicates, killing many of them. Until Butters puts himself on the street with the oncoming bus, takes out a gun and shoots, he misses the first shot. Yet he hits duplicate yellow hoodie Kenny in the dick, he dies. Then he shoots a second time and he shoots the tires out. The bus stops. Everyone gets off and is very agitated and angry.
MEDIUM SHOT
STEPHEN STOTCH
Butters. What are you doing? We were supposed to escape. Why did you stop us?
BUTTERS
No one make a move or I will shoot people. Understood?
CARTMAN
Yeah, seriously, don’t move, last time he shot like four guys in the dick. You don’t shoot people in the dick, Butters! It’s weak.
STEPHEN STOTCH
Tell me Butters, why are you doing this?
BUTTERS
I am not your Butters. I’m a 34 year old Northerner named Butters. And I know what you did to my parents, I am here to pay all you motherfuckers back for what you did then.
RANDY
Yeah right. You and what army?
STAN
Dad, please no.
KYLE
Oh god.
BUTTERS
I am glad you asked.
WIDE SHOT
SUDDENLY FROM SOME PLACES APPEAR THE BLONDE LADY WITH A WEIRD HEAD, THE WHITE BEARDED MAN, A FLAMBOYANT 50 SOMETHING YEAR OLD GUY AND SOME OTHER FAMILIAR FACES.
MEDIUM CLOSE SHOT
CARTMAN
God fucking damn it. I knew it.
KYLE
Britney Spears?
BRITNEY SPEARS
Barely intelligible: You guys helped get me killed, I am back for revenge.
STAN
Isn’t the bearded guy Mel Gibson? Didn’t we deal with that crazy guy?
MEL GIBSON
Why do you think I am crazy? Because I wanted you to punish me? Because I think the same way about the Jews as you guys and your dear President thinks about Muslims? HUH?! Compared to him am I really that fucking crazy? I don’t think so.
KYLE
Just fucking great.
TOM CRUISE
Don’t forget about me boys.
STAN
Yeah, glad to see you finally out of the closet.
TOM CRUISE
I’m gonna kill you little piece of shit.
RANDY
Hey, no fudge packer talks to my kid like that.
CARTMAN
Great, this is just a dumb reunion with some stupid ass forgotten celebrities.
Michael Richards, Mark Fuhrman and Scott
Oh Randy, have you forgotten about us?
RANDY
What the fuck?
KYLE
Now that’s what I call an obscure reference.
STAN
Not this one again. God damn it.
MICHAEL RICHARDS
You forgot about us, nigger guy? You all PC now?
STAN
Why is this happening?
RANDY
God damn it.
CARTMAN
So? That’s it Butters? That’s all you have?
BUTTERS
Yeah. Pretty much.
CARTMAN
Weak, brah.
BUTTERS
Oh, I almost forgot. Doctor, please join us.
KYLE
Doctor? Who?
DR. DAVID NELSON
I am back to take my revenge.
CARTMAN
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...
DR. DAVID NELSON
You see, words are like bullets, and now I will be a bullet.
CARTMAN
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha... Who thought this was a great idea?
TOM CRUISE
I am so done with this, let’s end it.
WIDE LONG SHOT
In the style of Captain America Civil War, Zombieland and Gangs of New York, a battle starts between the two sides. We see Tom Cruise fighting Randy Marsh, Britney Spears fighting Sharon Marsh. Dr. David Nelson is fighting Cartman, Mel Gibson is fighting Kyle and Stan for their twenty dollars. The trio of Michael Richards, Mark Fuhrman and Scott are fighting the McCormick family and Butters is fighting the Mayor. The rest of them are fighting doppelgangers from the Northern Park that haven’t followed PC Principal.
CUT TO:
WIDE SHOT
The fight between Tom Cruise and Randy
Tom Cruise starts getting some fudge from his pockets and is throwing them towards Randy as he hops like a ballerina on the street. Randy in the style of the Matrix dodges some of the fudge, some other fudge he catches with his mouth and eats or bites off. Then Randy retaliates by taking of his shirt and getting into his drunk baseball game fighting stance. And throws himself after Cruise. Hitting a trash can, Carrot Top and a transgender transformer.
CUT TO:
Dr. David Nelson fighting Cartman.
CARTMAN
Pfft...
DR. DAVID NELSON
You won’t laugh after I am done with you.
CARTMAN
Please stop it. AHAHAHAHAHA.
In a rage Dr. David Nelson starts running towards Cartman screaming. Cartman dodges the Doctor and starts playing Matador with him. Managing to anger the Doctor more and more and making him throw himself harder and harder at Cartman. Of course he misses, hits the ground a few times, before hitting Ike and (the Doctor)falling on his ass.
CARTMAN (CONT’D)
This is way too precious. Even a baby... Ahahahahahahahahahahahahah. Please make it stop.
CUT TO:
THE FIGHT BETWEEN SHARON MARSH AND BRITNEY SPEARS
Britney starts flailing her arms around trying to hit Sharon, yet she misses with every punch. Sharon simply punches her with an uppercut in her chin. With that hit, Britney’s upper half of the head flies away and Britney drops dead, while the top of the head tries to roll away. Yet it’s stopped and stomped by Sheila Broflovski.
CUT TO:
THE FIGHT BETWEEN THE TRIO OF THE NIGGER-GUYS AND THE MCCORMICK FAMILY
The trio starts by pulling their guns out.
MEDIUM SHOT
MICHAEL RICHARDS
You think you can do something against us? You’re dead wrong.
STUART MCCORMICK
We’ll see about that, right kids?
MCCORMICK KIDS
Yeah.
MRS. MCCORMICK
I’m gonna kick yo asses. Let’s do this. We ain’t afraid of yo’s guns.
STUART MCCORMICK
That’s right honey, we have a crack pipe, beer bottle and a rifle, whatch’u gonna do about that? Nigga guys.
MICHAEL RICHARDS, MARK FUHRMAN AND SCOTT
Let’s kill them.
We hear some tires screeching, a car entering the frame and hitting the trio of nigger guys.
CUT TO:
THE FIGHT BETWEEN MEL GIBSON AND KYLE AND STAN
WIDE SHOT
Mel Gibson brings out a sword swinging it towards the two boys. But in his madness and jumping around, Mel accidently kills Carrot Top by slicing off the head of his shoulders and neck, and shrugs it off.
MEDIUM SHOT
MEL GIBSON
Oh come on boys, where you running at? I am here to be pleasured, and you’ll let me get my desired pleasures, right?
KYLE
Dude, what the fuck are we supposed to do?
STAN
I don’t know, just keep running.
CUT TO:
PC PRINCIPAL
PC Principal stops the fight between Tom Cruise and Randy by hugging Tom Cruise tightly from behind.
PC PRINCIPAL
It’s okay Tom, you’re with friends here. No one cares, you can be whoever you want and with whomever you want. And you’re not a fudge packer. It’s okay.
Tom Cruise starts crying like a baby.
TOM CRUISE
I am so sorry, I had all these emotions and feelings and stuff. I am so sorry.
PC PRINCIPAL
It’s okay buddy, it’s okay.
CUT TO:
THE FIGHT BETWEEN THE MAYOR AND BUTTERS
Butters tries to shooting Ms. Mayor, yet he misses.
VICTIM NO. 1
Oh fuck, my balls.
BUTTERS
God damn it, stay still.
Butters fires another shot and misses again, with the Mayor standing completely still.
VICTIM NO.2
Auch, shieeet. My balls. Who shoots a dude in the dick? Weak, man.
BUTTERS
You know what, this isn’t worth it.
Butters throws the gun away, gets out a knife and starts running towards the Mayor, trying to stab her. When he gets to her, the Mayor simply kicks Butters in the balls, repeatedly. Until the PC principal gets there, stop the Mayor and scolds Butters.
PC PRINCIPAL
That’s what you get for wanting to beat down on a woman in power. You shouldn’t do that, women are already prosecuted by men and the patriarchy. You see, this is a woman that lead this town to greatness. And you should respect that, not just try to take her place through violent ways, just because you’re a man.
KYLE
Wait, but didn’t PC Principal take the place of Principal Victoria?
BUTTERS
What the fuck are you talking about? This has nothing to do with that. I just want revenge for what this town did to my parents.
PC PRINCIPAL
If that is true, then what you are telling me is that you miss your parents. You’re more then welcome to South Park, you’re welcome to stay here.
BUTTERS
No, no, no, I don’t want to spend another second in this place. I’ll be back another time!!!
Butters exists on the left flipping everyone off. Then the PC Principal goes towards the “fight” between the Doctor and Cartman. Where Cartman is still laughing his ass off. And the Doctor is on Cartman trying to hit him.
CARTMAN
Please stop! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! It tickles, NO! HAHAHAHA.
When the PC Principal arrives he takes the Doctor off of Cartman and starts scolding him.
PC PRINCIPAL
Doctor Nelson, you’re better than this. You see, words are like bullets, if you let them pass through you, they won’t affect you.
DR. DAVID NELSON
What do you know about being ridiculed by this fatass.
PC PRINCIPAL
Hey, it’s not okay to call Cartman fat, he has a disorder. There are many people in this country suffering from his disorder. And you’re in no special position to call names just because you’re a little person.
Cartman is giggling behind PC Principal’s back this whole time.
DR. DAVID NELSON
I... I just...
PC PRINCIPAL
I know, I know.
Dr. David Nelson starts crying and running before getting hit by Caitlyn Jenner. As she gets out of the car she says.
CAITLYN JENNER
What’s up, buckaroos?
KYLE
Caitlyn Jenner? Why are you here?
CAITLYN JENNER
Because I have great news. The President won’t nuke South Park.
RANDY
That’s great news. Hear that honey?
KYLE
How come?
CAITLYN JENNER
Let’s just say he found a bigger threat to deal with.
KYLE
Which is?
CAITLYN JENNER
The ban on Airbnb and Whole Foods.
RANDY
But why?
CAITLYN JENNER
Because this has gotten way too gay.
WIDE LONG SHOT
PC Principal starts shaking in anger. Caitlyn Jenner gets back in her car, drives off and over Carrot Top again. While the rest remain shocked at Garrison’s decision. Suddenly the real Butters makes his way into the scene.
BUTTERS
Hey, guys. Did I miss anything?
FADE TO:
OUTRO OF THE SHOW AND END CREDITS
The outro is interrupted for a split second by:
MEMBERBERRY
Member us?
MEMBERBERRIES
Yeah, member us?
OUTRO
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