When they said your body will remember everything you’ve done, they weren’t lying…

I’ve been dealing with anxiety this whole year, from panic attacks, to social anxiety, to many other problems and complications that come with such a mess. Yet one of the things I have learned, and you will learn too, if you are ever to venture into learning about anxiety, is that it affects your body. To what degree depends on you. You are the anxiety, you are the response to everything that is happening around you. You are whatever you want to be, including an anxiety riddled mess that can spiral into mania, depression, self-sabotage, and much more. But, I am not saying that as a blame, not on me, not on you, yet that remains the truth. We are out anxieties, we are our insecurities, we are our pain, our sorrows, our failures and our victories. How we deal with them is the problem. No one is teaching us from a young age what the right way to deal with them is. And that’s because we’ve come from broken people and we’ve developed into broken people. And we will create broken people, as we continue. And you can see that we are broken people in the way the world is, and looks. The world reflects our inner worth, yes, there is beauty, but there’s just as much broken ugliness that we don’t know how to deal with and we lash out. So when we’re all broken glass, when we’re all trying to fix ourselves up. And the world is the same, we can’t help but feel anxious, afraid, lonely, one against the world. When in reality, it’s the world against itself, it’s me against myself, it’s only me against someone else if you make it so. And then you create more broken pieces.

But, I’ve been healing. That is a fact. I know that I get scared if something hurts, I say it scared me. Because that’s what it did. I know when I get too fired up that I’m not anxious, I’m passionate, I’m way too into something that I care about, because that’s passion, right? I know that when something hurts, it’s because I’ve been sitting like a shrimp and not moving enough. I am getting better at figuring myself out. But what I also started to do is something I forgot to do, yet I used to do a lot. Talk to myself. I used to go to school six thirty in the morning because that’s when my parents had to go to work and they just couldn’t leave a child alone. And I used to talk to myself in the darkness. I used to be so comfortable with myself, and I love to dig deep and figure myself out. Yet I forgot how to do that. And once that happened, a lot of things started to take roots. I wish it was all good, but it wasn’t. Because when you don’t have someone to talk to, when you have no one to save you, there is only you, yourself and that’s it. And I forgot myself, I forgot to save myself. I fought to learn how to save others, how to make the world a better place, because if I did something, maybe then they would be nicer to me. But I was wrong. There is no saving others, if you can’t save yourself. Much like there isn’t loving others, if you can’t love yourself honestly. And let me tell you, since then, there has been one revelation after the next.

So, I’ve been healing, getting better, talking to myself. And when you get better, your body starts to ache. As years of anxiety, panic, flight or fight keeps your adrenaline pumping, your cortisol pumping, your teeth clenched, your shoulders up, your muscles tight. So when you let go, things start to feel numb, tingly, unreal, like something is wrong. But getting here wasn’t easy. It’s been a year since I’ve had that big first panic attack in years. And since then, I’ve had a rough summer, yet a nice autumn. With more happy days, with less anxious days. But with revelations, about emotional abuse, and how much of it I’ve been receiving. About the ways I’ve been traumatized, by who I’ve been traumatized. Some of those people I used to call close friends, now we do not talk anymore. Some of those are family, and they still won’t understand what they are doing wrong. Because they haven’t realized that it is wrong, what they are doing. Because when you’re surrounded by broken pieces, you never realize you need to get whole, you think you need to get sharper to cut better. But I’ve been getting better at dealing with all that.

So when your body feels tight, when your jaw is clenched, when you keep clenching your fists, tightening your abs, STOP. Listen to your body. You are making it carry something heavy that is not yours to wear on your back. That trauma they’ve brought onto you is not yours to hold onto. That pressure they’ve put on you to satisfy their needs and standards is not yours to bear. That toxicity, is not your fault. Their insecurities are not your fault, nor are they your responsibility. So when you wear your memories, be careful, once upon a twilight, take a peek, take a gander. You never know what you have been wearing upon your shoulders. What you weight you have been taking on. Look around, see who has been putting that weight on your shoulders. Who has been putting pressure and whose insecurities are you shouldering. Because you might have some dead weight around on your back and around your neck. As most pieces can have access and the tools needed to save themselves, but we do not nor can we not make that in their stead. They need to used the help, if given or available. Otherwise they will drag you to their level and they will put their whole weight on you.

But, I’ve been healing, I’ve been getting better. I do not know how much more trauma I have in me to deal with. But, with times, I guess I’ll find out. I’ve been through too much not to share this with the world. As it was the world that placed these things on me, and it is to the world that I am giving them back. The only things I wish to keep on my back, is a long jacket, which I can wear, of all my good memories, friends, family and successes. I have punished myself plenty for my past mistakes, you can read about them as I am literally an open book, been so for the past fifteen years. I came to peace with my mistakes and took an ownership over them. But, if you have been reading through 2024 and early, you can see that I have yet to make proper piece with the world and most its people. I do not know if I’ll ever be at peace with what has been happening or will be happening. But as long as I have myself to talk to. No one is going to stop me.

I am still healing…

Hope you liked this post.