I’ve been having these vivid, almost realistic dreams where I couldn’t tell one apart from the other. She looks at me, waiting… I don’t know what you expect me to tell you. They are frightening. The sensations, I can feel everything in those dreams. The smell, the touch, the texture, the taste, I can describe everything to you in way too many details. And I don’t know why. I don’t know why the dreams feel like that. And the nightmares are worse… She pauses and looks at me once more. I don’t know what to make of it. They say that when you dream of strangers, it’s because you met them recently. She interrupts. I heard something like that too. Certain face imprint in your subconscious when you find them attractive or bizarre. I nod. Yeah, something like that. But what I don’t understand is what is wrong with me? Why am I having those dreams? She once more turns towards me. I have some ideas, but they’re insignificant or plain dumb to be real in some sense. Either that, or I believe myself to be better than what I think the problem is. Deny myself human flaws.

She starts laughing. Or, if I may suggest this, you are overthinking it. We each have desires and wants. But as long as we don’t act on them or we don’t take them too far, I think we’re okay, as humans, in general. I turn towards her. Sure, but what does it say about you? What does it say about how you feel? What you think? How you are as a human, if… They’re dreams, she quickly interjects. You can judge yourself by dreams. Yes you can, I say as I look at her with a disgruntled face. That’s stupid. No one will ever do that. People barely judge themselves by their conscious actions. You are being unreasonable for no reason. I don’t care about others, I say as I get up from the table. We are not people… I don’t care about people. I care about me and everything that is beyond whatever anyone thinks. And that’s why everyone thinks you’re an asshole, she shouts. I don’t care what they think. They are worse than I am! And I want to be better, way better than they are!

Dreams are the projection of our mind in some for, be it conscious or not. And it matters. It has to matter. She turns towards me. Only because you want it to matter. Not that it does. Yes it does, I interrupt her. Listen, if you are smoking one cigarette every single day, at one point you are going to start smoking more and more without knowing it. Why? Because you normalize it! The same thing goes with dreams. If you choose to normalize whatever shitty behavior you have in your mind, you are going to act on it at some point. It basically building courage to do the thing you want to, no matter how bad or immoral it may be. As long as you can justify it to yourself, then everything is okay. I believe it’s the same sort of bias, where if you do something good, you allow yourself to do something bad to balance things out. So, if you’re unhappy, let’s say in your relationship, and you justify cheating by saying you put up with me as being a good thing, then you will simply do it. Which is fucked… And I hate it… She stands up, stops me in my tracks…

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