Why am I unhappy? Why do I feel this lust? This need? What’s wrong with me? I ask myself as I sit down and with a smile order a coffee, as in my head there is no such thing as enough caffeine. Brokenhearted and disgusted with myself I open up my laptop. Around me perfumes, some sweet voices of a few office workers that came down for a break. They talk about the weekend they just had partying, drinking, I can’t help but listen as I try to flee whatever is in my mind. I get engrossed into their stories about how much alcohol is too much alcohol, and the morality of fucking around, arguing that ignorance is bliss when it comes to rings and status. I am surprised to hear this and now I start to question my own needs and lust. Questioning whether I am looking for love, sex or if I am just a douche with trust issues and a destructive behavior. Listening to their stories is simply tempting me to turn around and put them to test. But as I raise my head, they pass by me and leave the cafe.

Where are you? A message, I think to myself looking at my phone. At a cafe, thinking, I respond. Which one? Was another message to which I respond with an address. My gaze falls upon a lovely woman sitting at the table across. As I start looking at her my heart starts beating faster and faster. Slender legs, black tights, black dress, white shirt, and my fiance, now sitting across me, smiling. Asking me what I am doing. I frown and ask her what she is doing here. She tells me that she had a few free hours from work and thought to spend some time together. She orders herself a coffee too, and asks me what I am writing. I tell her that I have no idea yet. She tells me to take my time and not worry about anything, considering that we are fine for now. I scoff and tell her that it doesn’t feel fair or enough. I continue by telling her that this wasn’t my dream, as I wished for better and more than whatever I am doing by now. We then go in an hour long discussion about expectations, artists, life and money. At which point we start laughing about things that we had to figure out as a couple since we moved in together. I reach out and grab her hand. Her phone rings, she tells me that she has to leave and disappears.

My smile fades away, a message saying “I love you”, I look at it, reply and with a heavy heart I start reading some of the material I had written over the years. I look around the cafe with a disoriented look on my face, disinterested and disconnected from the world. Frustration fills my body and sadness follows it. As I fidget in my chair, I try to find a reason for the way I am feeling and thinking. Since it makes no sense to who I am and what I have wished for. The face of the brunette woman pops in my head again, and my feelings turn from excitement to pity and disgust. Hours pass, I eat, I drink, but out of my hands and brain nothing comes out as I sit at a table looking at a blank document with nothing of value in it. The night falls, a message telling me to come home appears on the screen. I get all my things and disappointed leave. Thinking that maybe in another life I could have been happy. I arrive home, she greets me with open arms and a kiss. I go into our room, drop my bag, change my clothes and go to eat dinner. We discuss our days, finish eating, cleaning and go in bed. As I lay there, she puts her hand on me, telling me she misses me…

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