I stand alone in the midnight rain, smoking a cigarette, looking for hope, for a star, for anything to hold on.

I find myself trapped. On the only road I ever know, lost through smoke, closed minds, ignorance and looking for something. Close to the edge, everywhere I walk. Everywhere I look memories haunt me. It's not that I can't remember everything, it's that I can't forget. There are secrets, everyone has them, times you just can't forget. And it's not about love or a person, it's about you and what changed you. What made you who you are now, your fears, your wrongs and rights. Searching and searching, trying everything to survive, you become a puppet of the ones that observe us, and control us with illusion of freedom between closed walls.

The rain keeps falling, cleaning the earth. Yet we still manage to do it wrong, to make mistakes that continue to chase us down through life. Alone we search for someone, we try by any means necessary to make a change. Find someone to hold onto, or put our faith in. But we disintegrate with every moment we keep doing everything we do. Nothing will pulls of from these depths, but helping ourselves and everything that is around us. Now while we still can, we should change, we should take charge, blame and responsibility. Because we keep ourselves in the same place, no future, no happiness. Only mistakes. But until that day...

The clock turns 1 minute after midnight, the rain stops. As I enter a new day. My cigarette burns out. The sky is still dark, becoming darker with every second that passes. With the blunt cold wind blowing, I see myself in the reflection of a window. I become confused as I forget who I really am, who I was, what I accomplished. As I smiled, seeing my reflection scared of the past, present and future. I do not know what I should do, but one thing is for sure... Breaking the habit may help, Even if it's in believing in the lie I've built. But I won't wait for something, because I was the one that was supposed to save myself. Yet I see myself falling deeper and deeper.

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Originally published on 17.10.2012