A tear can be more then enough...

I was told since I can remember that family is supposed to be love, support, trust and happiness. And a home should be a place where there are no mistakes and there's always forgiveness and a warm meal that comes along with the embrace of feeling safety at any time. I believed in this idea and I still do, since a family should be all that and more, even if families differ and have their different religious beliefs or traditions, no matter how broken it is a family and a home should be the same thing for everyone. I might be naive and one of the biggest fools you're reading about. But we all wish that what I believe would be true for each and every case, even though we all know it's impossible and it's most likely just a lie we use to make ourselves feel better. As I was growing up I didn't understand what was happening around me or why and I couldn't care less since my promise was being kept. But as time passed cracks started to show up and the things I didn't care about and didn't know about started to show little by little, and my precious world started to be shaken, but I wasn't scared I knew problems would occur, I knew the world wasn't perfect it was only bigger then me, but I also knew the fact that I was growing and the world would get smaller and I was right. As we moved from a place with many dear people to me to a place where we were just a few, that was the first time I was told that this is my home and in this very place whatever happens I will be safe and I will have my place here. And the fact that our family should trust each other and we shouldn't lie when we're in a family. My dream became reality, I was finally home, my first home and the only home I knew

I was afraid as things flew around the house and screams were all I was hearing. Shouts of hate were all around me, I couldn't understand why was this happening and how can this be reality, when I was promised a loving family and a paradise just for being their son. As my father threw everything he could grasp in sight in his madness, the slurs that were said that night I still can remember them clear as the light from the summer sun. After a while all calmed down while the tears were just rushing on my mothers face and my brother was just oblivious to what was happening. The next day everything went back to normal like nothing happened, I couldn't grasp the situation, but I didn't care since my home was still standing and for that alone I was happy. A few days later while I just fell asleep I just heard a shout and a slur, it was happening again. He just came woke me up screamed at me and for some reason just threw me at the wall while telling me I'm a worthless piece of shit. I don't know what I did wrong or why I was punished for something, but everything was hurting. I couldn't get up from the bed as I heard my mother screaming and he insulting her over and over again. In the end I couldn't hear or see anything, I just fainted. The next morning I woke up and went to school, on my way to school my nose started bleeding, that never happened to me before. I was scared I didn't know why all that was happening. The same night, he came and started screaming again, insulting me and my mother, he started throwing the food around as he hit me with a plate and mother with a jar. I was petrified, what was I to do or try to help her and myself in this situation? When suddenly he got up from the table took a knife ripped mother's clothes while insulting her, I started pulling him, but I didn't have any power to actually do anything. He just looked at my mother and said "If you dare take this fucking knife out of this wall I am gonna fucking brake you! Now give me something to fucking eat.". I just went and hid under the blankets helpless, scared and scared. All this became a habit for him and a very cruel punishment for my home and what I could call a safe place to be.

In the end, the only thing that changed until this day is the fact that I am now seeking someone to build that home with, and now that I burned down my false and ruined home. I really do hope I can find another place and someone to build a home with.

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